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Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas!

Troy and I had a fanstastic Christmas! We spent most of it with his family this year (we switch off) but spent the morning with my mom to open presents. My mom as usual spoiled us. She knew we had been wanting a camcorder for when the baby comes so when she asked us what we wanted I suggested she could just give us some money to put towards the camcorder since thats what we were planning on getting ourselves for christmas. Instead she just went ahead and bought us one!

Troy also spoiled me. He was a big cheater face this Christmas. We had both talked about only getting each other one present this year and not to do anything extravagent since the baby and tuition are due pretty much the same time. So I followed through on the plan... and bought him Oregon Duck sweat pants and milk duds. And what did Troy do? He got me a cd, Inception and the 6th seasons of Grey's and The office and like 10 bags of my favorite candies. And so that it would fit the criteria of "one gift" he put it all in one box. And I gave him sweat pants... I felt like a lousy wife. A lucky wife, but a lousy one.

I really had a great Christmas. I had a lot of fun spending time with family and playing my two most favorite games, Wackee 6 and Catch Phrase. I get really excited when I play those games. I get really competitive even though I'm pretty terrible at Wackee 6. I'm so grateful for my family! I coudn't ask for anything more! Except maybe for this baby to hurry up and join the fam.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Well done

I am officially 37 weeks today! Which for those of you who don't know is considered full term. Pregnancy is technically about 40 weeks long but I guess at 37 weeks the baby is "cooked" enough to be not considered "pre-term" if she were to be born today.

My lungs are smooshed, I've begun retaining water to the point I feel like an indoor swimming pool, and my belly is about as stretched as it can go. So baby... it's time to get out. You've over stayed your welcome in my uterus. I'd appreciate it if you'd hurry up.

Your dad and I are very much ready to meet you.

And if you come before the new year... We'll be able to claim you on our 2010 taxes and I'll buy you a nice present with the extra money from our tax return! How is that for incentive, eh?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

36 week appointment

I don't have much to do these days... or much to talk about. So I apologize for the overload of baby Jackson posts. But since I don't really keep a journal, this is pretty much it. Here's another one, I'll keep it short I promise.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I've hit the point in my pregnancy where I start going weekly now. I got the dreaded GBS swab, I was freaking out before because of where I heard that they swabbed you. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my head.

Then she performed an ultrasound to make sure that the baby had finally flipped head down like I thought she had. To my great relief she had! And then I asked her to check and make sure this little girl is in fact a little girl. I've been so nervous because when we had our "big" ultrasound neither the tech nor the doctor sounded very confident when they said it was a girl.
Forgive me for not putting much faith in "It's a.... It's a girl? wait.... no, yeah... it's a girl."

So she checked and even I could tell she's a little girl. We tried to see her face but she had her hands right up in front of her face and her face is towards my back. We got a sort of a side shot but the picture makes her look like an alien. You can't even tell what your looking at.

Then she checked my cervix and I've only dialated to 1/2 a centimeter, but I'm 60% effaced. I think thats pretty good for 36 weeks.

Everything looks great and the doctor said now it's just a waiting game.

So we wait....

Monday, December 13, 2010

57 years

There is this old man that I work with at the rec center. When I say old I mean OLD. He's like 86-89 years old. I can't exactly remember. I know for sure he's in his 80's. He does some of the janitorial work around the rec center. Let me tell you about him.

His name is Dean and he pretty much makes my day every time I see him. He's always so happy and kind even though he cleans windows and sorts through the nasty lost and found items. He also whistles when he says his s's which I can't help but smile every time. He also brings the front desk a huge handful of fun size candy bars every time he works. One day while at work I got assigned to this ridiculous task of making these ginormous signs for Spooktacular. I was basically 7 months pregnant and had to be on my hands and knees taping these huge sheets of paper together to make an even bigger piece of paper of 96 inches by 112 inches. I was on my hands and knees on a concrete floor taping them together. And who came along to offer me some help? 80-something Dean! He got down on his hands and knees and helped me tape these papers together. I felt almost guilty accepting his offer but he seemed to be more capable than me!

The other day he came to empty the lost and found bin and I asked him how long he had been married for.
57 years.
57 YEARS.
I know my next question was probably stupid but I couldn't help but wonder...
me: "And you still like her?"
dean: "oh yes, she's a sweetheart. I think I'll keep her."

And I knew he meant it. Not just one of those things you say to someone because the real answer would be awkward. I know that being in love and being married forever is a very possible thing but I have to admit that I don't know very many people who have been married for 57 years.

I have every hope and desire for this kind of longevity with my marriage. In fact, I want it for forever.

I think my next question I'll ask is, how does one stay married and in love for 57 years?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

If you blog it...They will come.

My last post I said I had no pictures of me because my friends hadn't posted any as of yet so I was just waiting on them. And voila! Both friends posted pictures. And no I assure you I am not having twins (I was asked that today) I've just gotten HUGE in the last month. So here I am in all of my large whale-ish glory....

me and one of my best friends Lisa who is due 2 weeks after me!

5 of the 6 of us from high school

I look ginormous in this picture but I had to post it because my husband is so darn cute

And these last 2 were taken of me today at 35 1/2 weeks
Look how much I've grown since month seven!

Although I've basically lost my waist you can see I'm pretty much just carrying this little girl out in front. Which according to a man named Roger who comes in to my work is how he could tell I was having a girl. He's kind of crazy so I attribute his correctness to a 50% shot at getting it right.



Monday, December 6, 2010

month 8

I would just like to point to the little count down ticker thing to your right....

5 more weeks! whoa! I can't believe I'm 35 weeks.

Every day I think to myself, "There is no way I can get any bigger or more uncomfortable." And then it only takes until the next day for me to get bigger and more uncomfortable.

Some of the things people say to me a lot are....
"You just keep getting bigger!"
"Wow! You're huge."
"You're looking good!"
"I think you're going to pop!"
"You look uncomfortable."

Some of these things I'm not really sure how to respond. "You look uncomfortable" Um... thank you?

Since I work in customer service I get a lot of random advice from people I've never seen before in my life. I also think it's funny when I help other women who are also pregnant and they start talking to me like we're best friends.

Right now....
I love apples.
I crave salad.
I walk really incredibly slow.
Walking short distances puts me out of breath.
Sometimes when I eat I feel like I'm going to puke because I'm so full.
I get an insane amount of braxton hicks which my doctor doesn't seem worried about. It just bugs me because every time I have a contraction it makes me need to pee. And walk weird.
My baby has yet to (and hopefully won't) kick me in the ribs.
She does however enjoy kicking me in what I think is my ovary. It hurts.
She still moves a ton and some how manages to switch from my right side to my left about every other day. I'm not sure how she does I just know that my stomach moves a lot when she does this.
I sleep with 5 pillows.
I take a nap every day.


And I haven't taken any pictures of myself but my friends have (you know who you are) and I'm waiting for them to post them so I can....ahem.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A bit behind...

All of my friends wrote posts about what they are thankful for during Thanksgiving and I wanted to do the same but now it's December 1st... oops.

I'm thankful for...
My amazing/incredible/fantastic/sweet/loving/generous/sexy husband
My happy marriage
Family + Friends
the wonderful FREE country I have the opportunity to live in.
those in the military who help keep our country free.
My house
My 2 dogs
Having 2 working vehicles
Leisure time
My education
A warm bed
Food in my cupboards
Our jobs
Health Insurance
the ability to grow human life
medical advances
nap time
indoor plumbing

Plus 1001 other things!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'm really not trying to copy my friend Lisa's "things that must go" post. I was planning on doing an "I'm so over..." post before I read hers. Plus, Lisa is copying Radio From Hell so I don't feel that bad :)

I'm SO over....

  • aching feet
  • aching back
  • acid reflux
  • feeling ginormous
  • crappy sleep
  • back acne
  • body parts jabbing me (painfully) in random places
  • braxton hicks
  • wearing the same 4 outfits over and over
  • feeling tired all the time
  • always feeling much too warm
  • people asking me every day "how are you feeling?" I get the gesture, it's nice and thank you but I feel fine enough to do whatever it is I'm doing. So please stop asking.


In other news, I had another doctors appointment today and everything still looks great. I still seem to be right on track with everything. However, my doctor did give me some pretty shocking news... like send me into mini panic attack mode, shocking.

She told me that once I hit 34 weeks which is a little less than 2 weeks away... IF I go in to labor they won't do anything to intervene to prevent me from giving birth. AAHH!!

I know that most likely I will not go in to labor at 34 weeks, but still it made me think... in 2 weeks I could have a baby! AAHH!!! We don't even have a crib yet! On the way back from our appointment I was a little panicky about how unprepared we are to have a baby in 2 weeks. Troy had to remind that I'm due in a little less than 8 weeks and not 2 weeks. Which made me feel a little better.

Until he said, "But just in case... you should probably pack your hospital bag."

Good grief. With all of this anxiety this news has caused me I'll probably send myself in to early labor.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What a beautiful mess I'm in...

I'm pretty darn lucky because this guy married me....


We've had a lot of surprises these past 8 months. Some good, some bad. It's taken a lot of adjustment for both of us. There have been a lot of tears (mostly on my part) but Troy has always kept me looking on the bright side and laughing. He's been so great to me during the pregnancy too. Even when I'm having a ridiculous mood swing and I'm being rather unpleasant he just laughs at me instead of being offended.

Even with everything going on and all of the things we have to figure out I wouldn't change a thing as long as I can have him by my side. We have so much to be grateful for. And we're so grateful and so excited for our biggest surpise to join us in SIXTY DAYS!!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Finally finished!

I've had a few friends who wanted see a picture of the Halloween costume I made (but never wore). I was so sad I didn't get to wear it because I worked really hard on it but luckily it only cost me the price of an extra large roll of bargain brand aluminum foil :) so here it is... my bun in the oven costume.


And then remember this...

Well now it looks like this....
I was originally planning on using a lot more glaze but I ended up really liking the look of the antique white paint. So I did a very light coat of glaze, just enough to make the little details stand out better. The picture doesn't quite do it justice.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Month Seven

I've been in my seventh month and my third trimester for a whole week now. Other than I feel huge and my wardrobe selections are really starting to dwindle I feel great for a pregnant woman! Well I am getting pretty uncomfortable. I would be lying if I said I feel 100% great. Apparently my round ligaments hate being pregnant. They're pulled and tired and painful. I had a doctor's appointment last wednesday where my awesome doctor Dr. Holmes informed me my pubic bone is spreading. Gag me! That happens?? Which she told me can be very painful to some people. You are looking at the lucky some!

I'm just not looking forward to getting bigger and more uncomfortable. I already feel like a whale. 11 more weeks!


Here I am at 29 weeks (7 months)

And look who found her camera!! Now I just need to find the charger...

And on my camera I found this awesome picture of me at 5 months...and I thought I looked pregnant...ha!
My butt totally fills out those pants now. I have a butt for the first time in my life!

Friday, October 22, 2010

FYI

I don't mind if someone asks to feel my stomach to feel the baby.

However...


If you come up to me and put both hands on my stomach and proceed to stick your face an inch from my stomach and then start talking baby talk to the baby (aka my stomach).It's just weird. It also makes me feel reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally uncomfortable.

And I will remove your hands.
And your face.
And back away.

Even if I know you pretty well. Just don't do it.

Unless, you are my husband.
But he doesn't even do this.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Before....

I know that I've talked about before how I looove blogs about re-doing old furniture. I've read and read and read about how to do it. And now I can finally say that I've done it!!

Troy and I finally have matching dressers for our bedroom! And it was suuper cheap! One of my best friends mom gave us these dressers for *free* because they didn't need them anymore. And with all of the supplies we needed to get plus the hardware it ended up costing us $70. That's $35 dollars a dresser! Dare I say thrifty??

Before....
After!...
Yes there are 2 of them but they look pretty much identical so I only took the picture of the one. Troy's dresser has a fan on top and Oregon Duck memorabilia (what else?). The dressers were in really good condition and we only had to do a few minor fixes that my super handy husband fixed right up! I really can't take too much credit for these dressers. I did help out with the sanding and I picked out the pulls. But it was Troy who painted and distressed the dressers. I think he did a fantastic job! Isn't he great? I do also have to give some thanks to my father in law who helped Troy drill the holes for the for the handles!

I do have one more dresser project that is in the works. It's for the baby's room and all that really needs to be done is some holes drilled for the new handles and then it'll be finished. It's been that way for a few weeks now. We've been a little slow but as for right now we have no where to put it until our spare room gets cleaned out. So it's patiently waiting in Troy's parents garage. And that project I can take most of the credit for!!

Here's a teaser for the before....


I painted it a vintage white and glazed it with a light brown. So far I love how it turned out!!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Reminders

I read this today, and I really liked it.


"The seeming flat periods of life give us a blessed chance to reflect upon what is past as well as to be readied for some rather stirring climbs ahead. Instead of grumbling and murmuring, we should be consolidating and reflecting, which would not happen if life were an uninterrupted sequence of fantastic scenery, confrontive events, or exhilarating conversation.

Patience helps us to use, rather than protest, these seeming flat periods of life, becoming filled with quiet wonder over the past and with anticipation for that which may lie ahead, instead of demeaning the particular flatness through which we may be passing at the time.

We should savor even the seemingly ordinary times, for life cannot be made up of all kettledrums and crashing cymbals. There must be some flutes and violins. Living cannot be all crescendo; there must be some counterpoint."

-Neal A Maxwell, Patience 1979

Friday, October 8, 2010

sleep?

Where has my sleep gone? That's what I want to know. Last I checked I'm not expecting a baby until January... I thought I might be able to get a couple months of sleep in before that. I suppose I was wrong.

This child never stops kicking me. All night long she's rolling around or kicking me. All day long it's the same thing. When she finally stops I start getting paranoid because her movements are so constant that the silence in my belly makes me think something is wrong. So then again I can't sleep.

Also, my doctor thinks I pulled a muscle or a ligament in my groin/lower abdominal region or possibly gave myself an early hernia. So every time I need to change positions in the middle of the night it's really painful. Which also isn't exactly helpful to my sleep either.

Not to mention the middle of the night bathroom breaks that have gone from one to two trips in the past few days.

So long sleep. I will miss you for the next 30 years...

Monday, October 4, 2010

I had a pretty great weekend! Minus the part where I only saw my husband (awake) for about 5 hours out of a total of 48 hours. Saturday and Sunday Troy worked at the church office building doing all the catering deliveries for Conference. Friday night we had a date night which was really fun. We made breakfast for dinner together. He made the stuff for breakfast burritos and I made mini pancake muffins which I got from bakerella. It was delicious! Then we went and saw The Social Network at the new old gateway 8 in bountiful. Troy and I love going there now that it's been updated. Movies are $6 a person! We both thought the movie was pretty interesting.

I looooove spending time with Troy and we don't get to do it as often now that school has started again and he has all night classes.

On Thursday night my mom and I went to the Farmer's Market in Bountiful where we bought the cutest baby booties that will be perfect for a blessing dress!


I know it sounds weird but these booties have made it more real to me that I'm having a baby. More real than all of the clothes I've gotten, or the dresser I've redone (pictures to come!), the blankets, even more real than the constant kicking and rolling in my stomach. These have been sitting on my dresser the past few days and every time I see them I have a mini panic attack. Little tiny baby feet are going to go in there! Little tiny baby feet that belong to a real baby who will be m.i.n.e. forever. For-ev-er. I can't even begin to describe the mix of feelings I have between being completely petrified and pure joy.

I've also finally decided on bedding. Since apparently I am more picky than the average human being and unwilling to spend $200+ on bedding I have decided to make my own bedding. Well I don't know if I'm going to be the one to actually make the bedding. I know a few people who sew, so I'm hoping one of them will be willing to help me out!

These will be the fabrics I'm using for the bedding! Sorry it's a crappy cell phone picture I keep losing my camera. You can notice that the fabrics are girly but free of butterflies or cartoon animals. I can't wait until it's all done! Now we just need a crib!

I have several more projects in the works for the baby's room.
  • a bow board
  • a mobile
  • a sign with her name on it with cute modge podge letters
and I'm sure I'll think of more things along the way!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Genes

I'm feeling genealogical today. These people are my family. Yes, Courtney... I stole these pictures from your facebook...

This is my Grandma Jones. She was beautiful and if you know my cousin Courtney you know she is beautiful as well because they look exactly alike!
My Grandpa Leslie (if you haven't guessed already... I was named after him). I believe this picture was taken when he was in the Navy.




My dad and my uncle Chris looking very dapper in their high water pants (my dad is the older one)



Ha. Look at what a nerd my dad was!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Month Six




So I've made it to my sixth month of pregnancy! Less than 30 days and I'll be in my third trimester...yikes! By request I'm put up a couple of pictures of my baby bump. I finally think that I look pregnant and not just fat and I think that it helps that complete strangers having started asking me when I'm due. Sorry they're just cell phone pictures taken in mirrors. When I actually remember to take pictures of my bump it's when I'm home alone.
So far in this pregnancy...
  • I get dandruff and acne on my shoulders (yeah I'm attractive!)
  • I crave chocolate but not plain chocolate. Just chocolatey things like brownies!
  • I'm obsessed with mayonaise. I don't eat spoonfuls of it or anything but I like it a lot!
  • I also went through a tomato phase.
  • My weight gain is right on track but believe me when I say the numbers on the scale are starting to stress me out.
  • She kicks like crazy!
  • I wake up every morning at 6am needing to pee.
  • Working even a 4 hour shift on my feet exhausts me and my feet have started swelling.
  • I have crazy dreams
  • During the first trimester I threw up while brushing my teeth at least 50% of the time. I gagged 100% of the time.
  • I haven't gotten to experience the "fuller, thicker" hair everyone raves about during pregnancy. I lose just as much hair in the shower now as I did before I was pregnant.
  • However, hair has grown around my belly button...yet even more evidence of my attractiveness.
and we're pretty set on a name....
Isabel Susann Jackson
We plan on calling her Izzie. If you know me pretty well then you know I may or may not have taken the name Isabel from Grey's Anatomy... (I know, I know I'm obsessed but it's such a pretty name). And Susann is a combination of our mom's names. Susie + RaeAnn = Susann

Saturday, September 18, 2010

mad mad world

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up eggs since Troy was making a delicious breakfast and we had no eggs. While walking down an aisle I overheard a very typical conversation between two girls...

"Jenny, you are so skinny!"
"No I'm not, I'm so fat."

Typical except for the part where I forgot to mention that they couldn't have been more than seven years old. These girls had missing front teeth for crying out loud! And for the record neither one of them was the slightest bit overweight. Two perfectly healthy little girls.

What is this world coming to???

Saturday, September 4, 2010

the glamorous side of marriage/true love

I couldn't decide which was a better title for this post about the conversation my husband and I had today.

Let me set the seen... Troy and I had just finished eating lunch. Troy stood up to put the dishes away and I was still sitting reading the newspaper. Troy walks over to me and starts picking through my hair, you know just like how monkeys pick through each others fur... minus the eating part.

Me: Do I have dandruff?
Troy: Yeah.
Me: Is it really bad?
Troy: Well... it kind of looks like someone was eating potato chips over your head.
Me: gross.

In my defense pregnancy has given me the worst dandruff, this isn't a usual thing for me.

He loves me thats for sure :)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I need this...


I want this crib bedding set. I want it sooo ridiculously bad. I'm super picky about baby stuff and I just can't seem to find anything I like except this. Everything else that is girly is pastel (blek), butterflies (double blek), or cutesy cartoon animals or worse cutesy cartoon butterflies (blek, blek, blek!). The downside is this bedding is a little pricey... I've been trying to be super thrifty since we're a little tight on cash. I'm re-painting a DI dresser, taking all of the hand-me downs I can get and I got a top rated car seat that runs for like $200 for $80. a steal if I do say so myself! So I can justify spending a little extra on some bedding that will get pooped, peed and puked on all the time, right?
I'm probably going to talk myself in to buying this. I want it that bad.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Pictures!!






I've decided that it is Troy's computer and not blogger that is being dumb. I can normally copy and paste the pictures in the order that I want but it's just not working. I only uploaded the pictures you can actually tell what they are. The first picture is of her cute little feet, the second picture is the top of her head and you can see her little brain and her little fingers. She was sucking on her thumb! and the last picture is of her beautiful little profile!
I'm literally laughing out loud at myself. I used to look at my friends ultrasound pictures on facebook or on blogs and when they would leave captions like "look how cute he/she is!" I'd think to myself, "it looks like every other ultrasound picture I've ever seen." I guess you just have to wait until you have your own and then you can ooh and ahh over how cute their brain is or how perfect their little fingers are.
She sure is cute.
I am starting to sound like a mother. Yikes!








Thursday, August 26, 2010

In case you haven't heard...


we're having a girl!!!


It was so much fun to see her on the ultrasound. My favorite part was seeing her and feeling her at the same time. I could feel a jab and realize that was her foot or her head. Already she's a stubborn little thing. She moves around like crazy in my belly all day so the ultrasound tech had hard time getting all of the pictures that she needed to get. The doctor had to finally come in to check for the gender and it took her a good 15 minutes to get a somewhat distinguishable picture of her girl parts. We never did get a good picture or her spine because she literally kept turning around in circles every time the doctor tried. The doctor said that based on how much she was moving around and that everything looked great in her brain that most likely everything with the spine was perfectly normal. Other than that everything looked great!
After the appointment they gave us a few pictures and a DVD of the entire ultrasound. That was really cool. I've already watched it twice!

I've fallen in love with her.

I tried posting pictures but blogger is being dumb and not letting me. I'll try again later!!








Monday, August 23, 2010

30 things catch up, Days 22-30

I haven't posted because the charger on my laptop decided to commit suicide. I was catching up on a missed episode of Teen Mom online when I heard a very curious "zap zap!" sound. I investigated and found that my power cord was smoking. I quickly unplugged it. Luckily my laptop is fine, my charger is not. I have yet to buy a new charger. Those things are expensive!! That's when I realized that I have the use of Troy's laptop at my disposal. So voila!

Since it's been a while I don't really remember which "day" I did each day... My apologies.

Day 22: Today... I will spend time with a friend.

I got to hang out with my good friend Angela. I haven't seen her since her cute daughter Emery was a few months old. And she's almost 2!! We went to lunch at cafe rio and caught up on each others lives and gossiped.

Day 23: Today... I will finish something I started.

I finished reading Eat Pray Love. It was a really good book but the part where she was in India was really hard for me to get through. It was really dull to me. It was all about her struggle with meditating. I had quit reading it for awhile. And normally I read really fast. I was going to see the movie with my friends and wanted to read the whole thing before. I powered through that book!

Day 24: Today... I'll make good use of my time

Since graduating. Quitting my job and the end of my internship I've had a lot of free time and I admit that a lot of that time has been well wasted. Sleeping in, tv watching, blog stalking. I cleaned our bedroom and our bathroom. Did 2 loads of laundry including folding and I made dinner. I feel so much better about myself when I'm not a big lazy.

Day 25: Today... I'll get moving.

Just like I admitted on Day 24, I've been pretty lazy. I went to the gym and did an hour of cardio. I got nice and sweaty. It felt great!

Day 26: Today.... I'll put money into perspective

Since Troy and I are entering into a new chapter in our lives I've come to the disappointing realization that "fun money" will not be as easy to come by for the next 20+ years. We've been needing to re-budget. So I did. Goodbye money. It was nice having a little bit of you for awhile.

Day 27: Today... I'll appreciate where I live.

Living with my mom wasn't exactly how I pictured my life at 23, married and expecting a baby. And I've had a bit of an ungrateful attitude about it. When I think about it though I'm really so lucky. Troy and I have decided to stay longer than just the fall. In fact, we're planning on living here for awhile when the baby is born. In January we'll have a new baby, hospital expenses, Troy will be starting his first semester at the University of Utah (and the tuition that goes along with that), and I will be out of work caring for our baby for a couple of months. My mom is so kind and generous. She has offered us her bedroom since its upstairs next to the office and is letting us turn the office in to the baby's room. Our little bedroom down stairs is barely big enough for the 2 of us. No room to put a baby. I really do appreciate all that my mom does for us.

Day 28: Today... I will learn to cook something new.

My favorite food is italian. My favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden. I found the recipe online for Capellini Pomodoro. And I made it. It was SUPER easy and pretty darn healthy. And tasty :)

Day 29: Today... I'll live in the moment.

I've struggled a lot with always looking toward the future. I'd find myself saying things like, "I'll be happy when I graduate," "Tomorrow is going to be so much fun." What's wrong with today? I focused on being happy with today. Focusing on enjoying whatever is going on around me. Hanging out with my mom, enjoying the company of my dogs, spending the last dwindling moments of "Leslie and Troy."

Day 30: Today... I'll be creative.

I regularly read two blogs All Things Thrifty and The Frosted Gardner. I've been wanting to refinish some old furniture for a while now and these two blogs inspire me every day! I've never really gotten around to it. So I finally did! I went to DI and bought me a little dresser for the baby's room. And I'm so excited to refinish it!! The same day I bought the baby's dresser I got offered 2 free MATCHING dressers. An offer I couldn't refuse! Troy and I have mis matched bedroom furniture. I've been wanting a matching bedroom set since we said "I do." Unfortunately, we're poor as crap students. So now I've taken on not ONE but THREE re-finishing projects. I've never re-finished anything in my life. I'M SO EXCITED.


Sorry this post was forever long.

But we find out if we're having a boy or a girl on Wednesday!!! wahoo!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

random thought.

I was very contemplative today.
I've been trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do next now that i'm all graduated.
I was seriously so frustrated.
So I said out loud to myself
"I wish someone would just tell me what I'm supposed to do next!"

and then...

My baby kicked me.

I literally laughed out loud.
duh.

I suppose God does let you know what your next move is.
sometimes its a really really REALLY big surprise.
Thankfully for me
he's letting me know 9 months in advance.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

30 things: Day 21

Today.... I will not complain.

I think I'm a chronic complainer. I do it all of the time. I think mostly because I've enjoyed getting my way pretty much my whole life (but honestly who doesn't?).

Yesterday I had plenty of opportunity to complain. I wanted yesterday to be a learning experience and to not be about me being a martyr and taking one for the team in silence. I think as a human being I can use the practice at telling people what I want versus complaining about something I'm not getting.

Sadly my dear sweet husband gets about 90% of my complaints.

"Why did you do this?"
Why didn't you know I wanted this? I always do _____ this way"
"How come you're not doing that?"

I really need to master the art of "Thanks for your help, next time would you mind doing ____?"

So yesterday I did not complain. Which took a lot of self discipline. I think it helped a lot though. It opened communication a lot more and I think that Troy was even more willing to do things when I asked nicely or made suggestions instead of complaining that he was doing something wrong.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Grad

I'm so excited to say that I have graduated from College!! I'm the first in my family to graduate from college. My mom only got her high school diploma and my dad only got through one semester of college. Even in my extended family there haven't been too many grads. So it's a pretty big accomplishment to me. I'm so thankful to all my family and friends who've helped me reach this goal. Especially my mom who has been there for me through every finals week melt down. She's been such a huge supporter of my education. And of course to Troy. He's been there for the melt downs as well. Both of them have given me so much support.

Here are some random thoughts about me graduating...

I looooved my minor (nutrition) I wish that I would have majored in it but alas the U does not have a major... only a minor and a masters. Strange I know. I love that it is something practical that I literally use every single day, multiple times a day.

My major (psychology) is a little impractical from a job stand point. But it was fascinating to me.

My freshman year I was horrible at school. My sophomore year I was pretty bad too. I had to retake classes.

I've been to 3 different colleges.

I discovered that school is sooo much easier when you actually go to class.

If you talk to your teachers and let them know you're struggling they'll practically bend over backwards to help you out. I had a teacher once raise my grade on a test from a D- to a C- just because I went in after hours.

Some classes are beyond boring. Environment and Behavior, Language of Color, Intro to Jazz. Avoid them if you can...

The international requirement at the U is completely bogus.

Parking at the U is a joke.

I still have no idea what I want to do.

I can't wait to go to graduate school! whenever i can figure out what I want to do... and whenever I can actually make that happen.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

30 things: Days 18, 19 & 20

Day 18: Today..... I will work on my sense of humor.

I like to think I'm a funny person. I probably think I'm more funny than I actually am. I think my friends tend to laugh at me more than they laugh with me. And that's ok. I do dumb stuff a lot. It's just fact. One thing I appreciate about my husband is that he genuinely thinks I'm funny.

I don't know how one really goes about working on their sense of humor but today I spent a good 20 minutes watching clips from Fail Blog off of youtube. If you can't laugh while watching this video I think YOU need to work on your sense of humor. I would start off by watching fail blog... HILARIOUS.

Day 19: Today...... I'll do a "secret service"

Sorry kiddos. I can't tell you what I did. Then it wouldn't be a secret. You're supposed to do one nice thing for someone, anyone and not tell a soul. It can be leaving a nice anonymous note for someone, leaving flowers on a door step, some sort of donation. My lips are sealed. But I dare you to try it!!

Day 20: Today...... I'll learn something useless

I know thats weird. Why on earth would knowing something useless make me a better person? It probably won't. But I'll be way more fun to talk to! Troy's friend Nick knows useless information about practically every topic you could ever come up with. I'm convinced he actually makes up like 94% of these facts. For instance, he once told me that scientists were looking into using cat urine as a new possible fuel for cars... cat urine? i don't think so. It definitely makes conversation more interesting... so here is my useless knowledge I have learned today...

A hump back whale's milk is 54% fat. This could one day prove useful... If I'm ever faced with a decision such as trying to decide between Orca or hump back whale milk while stranded on a desert island? maybe?

p.s. I am going on a camping trip the next 4 days and I am therefore on a temporary 30 day hiatus for 4 days because I will almost probably, most likely forget. I may do one... I make no promises.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

30 things: Days 12-17

um... So I officially sucked at blogging this week. Considering I've been schooling it up like crazy since i GRADUATE from COLLEGE on wednesday I forgive myself. I hope you can too.

I'll make these fast except my favorite one I did this week...

Day 12: Today.... I will do my part to stop world hunger.

I know as a member of the LDS faith that I have helped contribute to this quite often through tithes and fast offerings. I was wondering what I should do on Monday for this challenge and I read a blog article that I will not link because it just really made me upset. Some lady (who I've never even met just a random blog I came across) was on some rant about how she thinks that things such as free lunch programs at school are bogus. And how the government should not be apart of helping hungry people get food and that people should have to rely on themselves and their families if they are starving. I understand being upset at people who take advantage of such programs but REALLY? If i'm happy about being taxed at all it's to help others get a meal.

So it really got me thinking about people who might be poor and may not have access to the bishops store house or other things the church has to offer those in need. I wanted to help those people. So I got a box and went to my food storage in search of unexpired canned/dry goods. I got my box of food and headed to the Bountiful Food Pantry.

I have decided from this experience that not too many ordinary people must walk in with box of food to donate on a regular basis. I went right before the pantry closed and it was packed. I'd never been before and had to clue what I was doing. I was dodging people left and right who were darting to get what little items were left on the shelf. I mean there was enough food there for everyone but it was surprisingly or not so surprisingly bare. Except for bread. They had A LOT of bread. I kept looking for someone to take my small (yet incredibly heavy) box but everyone there thought I was there to pick up food. "You need to go sign in before we close if you want food." and I kept saying "No i just want to donate this." so they would give me a shocked look and say "oh! well then you need to go over there!" Finally someone took my food.

I felt pretty good. I would like to make this more regular. I think a lot of people only think about donating food around the holidays and I can tell you...the Bountiful pantry needs food. Go donate some!


Day 13: Today.... I will read for no reason.

I love reading. But lately with school, work, internship my leisurely reading has been cut to zero. I made time for myself and read some of Eat, Pray, Love. I want to finish it before it comes out in the theater in the next couple of weeks. I've missed reading.

Day 14: Today... I will study (my scriptures)

I gave the kids the challenge of just studying for school or whatever. Since I already study pretty much every day I decided to do some scripture study which I admit I have not been doing every day.

Day 15: Today... I will meditate.

Meditation is freaking hard. I wasn't even sure how to do it. I felt like an idiot doing the "omm" thing since I don't even know what "omm" means. So I decided to lay on my bed and try to be all zen. I completely fell asleep. It was nice though.

Day 16: Today... I will enjoy nature.

I went up to Mill Hollow with Troy and his parents for a couple of hours to pick out a camping spot for our trip next week. I've never been to Mill Hollow but can I just tell you that it is THE most beautiful part of the Uintas that I have ever been too? Wild flowers EVERYWHERE, a herd of sheep, rolling hills and meadows, streams, a lake. I'm so excited for camping next weekend!

Day 17: Today... I will relax.

Best. idea. ever.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bump in progress...

So I decided to do post that is un-related to my 30 things challenge. Mainly because I was excited this morning when I woke up and did my morning "belly check." I don't think I've ever actually called it that to be honest with you... I just stare at my stomach every day for a few minutes to see if I have stopped looking fat and started looking pregnant. I know I'm still pretty small but my stomach is finally starting to round out instead of just looking pudgy. So here is a comparison for you dear friends who live far away and I never see. Or those who live close by and I never see...


I took this picture at 6 weeks just so I had a reference point of what I looked liked "pre pregnancy"...

So here I am today at 16 weeks...And yes those are maternity jeans... sad to say my normal jeans don't fit anymore...


Staring at this pictures makes me realize that the bigger my stomach gets... how much smaller my non-existent bum is going to look.

I know it's not a huge difference but it makes me excited!

P.S. thanks Mal for letting me borrow the jeans!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

30 things: Days 9, 10, 11

Day 9: Today.... I will keep the TV turned off.

I actually surprised myself at how easy this task was. I watch at least some tv every day. Watching TV is how I unwind from long days, distract myself, entertain myself, etc... So when Thursday rolled around and I had no school and no work I thought "perfect day for no tv" the more challenging the better right?

I woke up and ate breakfast and read the newspaper. Then I resumed working on my final paper for my dietary supplements class. I got a HUGE chunk of that done. Amazing what one can do with fewer distractions. When my brain could no longer handle thinking/writing/reading anymore about green tea extract and caffeine's effect on weight loss I went and hung out with my great friend Lisa! She's pregnant too! in fact she's due only 2 weeks after I am. We chatted about pregnancy related things, husbands, friends, work, you name it I think we covered it. Before I knew it, it was 6pm and Troy was calling me asking where I was. When I got home Troy did have the TV on and I barely watched any of it. I tried my best to stick with "no tv" I read a book while Troy watched tv.

I felt really productive. And despite my brain needing a break I didn't need to tv to do that job. It's amazing what you can do when you don't let tv distract you.


Day 10: Today....I will be myself.


I feel like I'm myself 95% of my days. This might have been harder for me 3-4 years ago when I was still trying to figure out who I was. Believe me I literally went on a quest to find myself and it was a long, scary, exciting, weird, awesome quest and at the end is who I am now. I'm still discovering things about myself. I don't think the journey is ever truly over but I no longer feel the need to pretend I'm something I'm not to please someone else. It's not always easy.

On friday "being myself" apparently meant being my pregnant hormonal self. I cried and kept crying. I cried for no reason, which led me to more crying about being mad that I was crying for no reason and then I cried because I was embaressed at how hard I was crying in front of my husband for no apparent reason. Pretty sure Troy thought I was crazy. I felt crazy. I took my friend Mallory's advice when I told her what was happening, "being pregnant sucks. Just cry it out." So I did. I let myself be who I was at that moment. A pregnant, emotional, loon. I felt better.


Day 11: Today.... I will finish my paper.


Ok so this particular today wasn't on the list of stuff I'm going to give to the Lifeline kids. I made that one up for myself. I really really needed to finish my paper that is due on monday so that I could turn it into a powerpoint presentation that is also due on Monday. And even though it was Saturday and the holiday and there were about 5 kajillion other things I would have rather been doing... I finished my paper. And it feels great. I've been working on that stupid piece of crap for 3 weeks now! It has swallowed my life. My dietary supplements class is one of several graduate level classes I've had to take for my minor. While none of them have been terribly hard they have been incredibly time consuming. So believe me when I say this "today" was much needed.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

30 things: Day 6, 7, 8

I've decided that I really dislike blogging everyday. I don't mind blogging until I have to do it.

Day 6: Today...I forgot.

I'm going to be completely honest. Monday rolled around and I completely spaced doing a "Today..." I blame my pregnant brain.

Day 7: Today... I will think about my values.


I found this definition of values that I really liked, "a collection of guiding, usually positive principles; what one deems to be correct and desirable in life, especially regarding personal conduct"

I value...
Love
Faith
Honesty
Kindness
Family
Knowledge/learning
Freedom of choice
Freedom of speech
Human rights
Freedom in general
Spirituality

So there they are. Those aren't my only values, just the ones I came up with during my pondering. The ones I thought were most important anyway.

What are your values?

Day 8: Today... I will do well.


Yesterday I decided to do my best at everything I did. I had my last ever staff meeting with my Max job yesterday. I hate staff meetings. You'd think after a year that I'd stop being nervous of going in front of the same 4 people every 2 weeks and demonstrating my ABA skills. Nope. Most definitely not. I still got nervous. When I told myself "I will do well" my nerves subsided a bit. My last ever staff meeting sitting went pretty well. In fact I did well.

I went home and did homework for a few hours and emailed part of my paper to my teacher to have him look over it to make sure I was doing it right. He said my paper was "spot on!" and that if I keep it up I'll be "golden." I did well.

Then I went to my Rec Center job and did well there too.

I think this whole "doing well" thing isn't about being the best at everything but just doing your best. If you do your best (even if you're not the best) you'll still do well.

What am I doing today for Day 9 you ask?? No tv. That's right. No tv. And I'm home alone all day! Well I decided to do no TV until Troy gets home. He'll inevitably turn the tv on to ESPN when he gets home. He's not doing this with me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

30 things: Day 3, 4 & 5

While I wasn't very good at blogging...I have a life. I still followed through on my 3o days.

Day 3: Today... I will love my body.

I hope it's not just me but I really struggle some days being happy in my body. Especially after I flip through a Victoria's Secret catalog. I literally rarely read that catalog because I get so down on myself for not looking like one of them. Even though I know they are freaks of nature for being skinny and curvy at the same time.

You can ask my husband that being pregnant hasn't exactly helped me with my own body image. I'm in this awkward stage of being pregnant enough to look fat but not pregnant enough to look pregnant. My "skinny" jeans don't fit anymore (the button actually popped off my favorite shorts while I was wearing them) and my other pants are starting to feel uncomfortable. And I know... believe me I know that gaining weight is what I'm supposed to do right now. I know it's healthy for my baby. I know it's perfectly normal. I think it's just hard to wrap my head around when for the past 23 years (ok maybe not 23 but a long time) it's been taboo to gain weight.

So here is what I did. On friday, instead of just wearing my sweats all day like I usually do because they are most comfortable and I got ready. I made myself look pretty and I did feel pretty minus how tight my jeans were around my waist. I also made a list of all the things I love about my body. Here they are in no particular order.

I love that I have the ability to grow and nurture another life inside of me.
I love that my body breathes, pumps blood, etc... without me even having to think about it.
I love that my body has it's own defense system and knows what to do if I put something bad inside of it (i.e. food poisoning, bacteria)
I love that I can walk and run.
I love how smart my body is... it does all sorts of things that I don't even know it's doing.
I love my boobs (sorry if that's tmi but I like mine!)
I love that I have super skinny fingers
I love that I have joints that allow me to bend


Day 4: Today... I will be kind to those around me.

I am not always the nicest person. Not that I think I'm super mean but I know there are times when I am not so nice. I chose this "today" because I knew that I would be working with people who are not my favorite people to work with. I think they are great people outside of work but when it comes to working with them they are just not super smart.

They both have been working at the rec center for a few months now, which is long enough to know how to do a lot of things but they ask me questions and I want to be like "really? will you think about what you just said?" Or, on the things they do know how to to do they tell me the supervisor how to do something and sometimes it takes literally all of the strength inside of me to not say something like..."yes I know! I've worked here for 7 years." I know that I can come off as being short or sometimes overly sarcastic towards them. So I decided to be as nice as possible. Which tried me.

While with the one girl she drove me crazy the entire time and I literally would smile and nod and then I would go busy myself with something else. The other girl I sat and talked to for a little bit and it turned out that I kinda like her. I liked myself a lot more for being nice to them too. When I sort of brush someone off or I'm short with someone I feel guilty about being mean. Saturday was pretty much a guilt free day (however I do feel guilty for telling another co-worker in passing that I might commit suicide tonight having to be alone with those two). I shouldn't spread my meanness around. While sometimes it's not easy to be nice I don't feel like such a jerk. And I'm sure people like me better when I'm nice too.

Day 5: Today... I will be grateful for my family

This one was easy peasy. I LOVE MY FAMILY. All of them. I love my immediate family, my extended family and yes even my in-laws. Before I was married I always heard about people complaining about their in laws but I was pretty lucky in that department. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in because I was raised sooo differently then my husband. It's taken me some time to find my place in their tight knit family but I think I'm starting to fit in.

I'm grateful for my mom for doing everything possible to make me happy growing up. She worked really hard and I know being a single mom couldn't be easy.
I'm grateful for my dad and the things I have learned from his life.
I'm soooooo grateful for my husband. He's kind, generous, loving, funny, fun, super hot, and gives way more than he gets. Sometimes I don't know how he puts up with me. He always knows how to make me smile and takes great care of me. I definitely lucked out in the husband department.
I'm grateful for my extended family. They're all so different and I learn so much from them.
I'm grateful for my in laws for being accepting of me and for creating such a wonderful human being who is now the most spectacular husband.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Thirty things: Day 2

Today.... I will care about school.

I chose this one because seeing that I'm in the last few weeks of my (undergraduate) college career I've really stopped caring. It's summer time and I'm just so "schooled out" that I have no motivation. I still get my assignments done but I lack desire.

This was actually reeeally hard for me. I did all of my homework today that needed to be done this week. I wanted to get a head start on my paper that's due in a week and half but I seriously just couldn't do it. I stared at a blank word document screen. I didn't even write my name. This is my final project and also my biggest. It would have really helped to get a head start on it. I'm not sure what it is about me and procrastination... I seem to do better at homework when the deadline is fast approaching. I hope this doesn't carry on when I go to graduate school *some day*

So I didn't do as well at this goal as I could have. I did get all of my online homework done and thats not due until Sunday night. So that's saying something... right? I admit, I am imperfect. But at least I don't have to worry about it over the weekend! Seeing as I don't have one because I'm working. I can see how not procrastinating can be helpful :)

Today... I tried to care about school.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

30 things: Day 1

Today.... I will have an excellent day.


That was my goal today, have an excellent day. I know that that sounds pretty easy, it's not like I really had to do anything other than to avoid having a bad day.... But it wasn't just a good day, or a not so bad day it had to be an excellent day. Which if you think about it can be pretty hard!

I admit that I can let just one thing ruin my day. So today when I woke up I was determined to have an excellent day no matter what (I did let myself have one exception... If Troy died... that could be a bad day).

I woke up and went to work with Max. Max was not having a great day... we had a nice 40 minute tantrum of him screaming, crying and throwing things at me. Sometimes his tantrums ruin my work day. So I kept telling myself "Today we will have an excellent therapy session!" And after I got him calmed down (with the help of his mom). We did go on to have an excellent therapy session! He seriously impressed me with one of his programs today. He also made me laugh pretty hard when he re-enacted the movie ice age for me. And we had a lot of fun playing.
Session with Max...excellent.

When I got home I wondered to myself "What would make my day excellent?" Immediately, I knew all the chips and salsa my pregnant body could handle would make my day excellent. Also, a nice relaxing unwind time in front of the tv. While I was in the middle of watching Toddlers and Tiaras I realized something... While tv is nice, it's not excellent. So I gave my feet some much needed TLC and gave myself a pedicure. After that I went to this store Kid to Kid that I have been wanting to check out. After that I decided that since I actually really enjoy cooking that I would make dinner. I made pasta and homemade alfredo sauce. My mom and I had a great chat. And then tonight I got to hang out with one of my best friends Mara. We went to the gym and talked about pretty much everything. Oh and I got to see my cute husband too :)

Today really was an excellent day. It really opened my eyes to how much we really have control over things. I think too often we let little things get to us, or we just let ourselves get bogged down by the monotony of life and only let ourselves have "ok days." So maybe if you're having a "bad day" or even just an "ok day" make your day better! Treat yourself to something! You don't have to do anything big. I gave myself a pedicure because pregnant college students don't always have money to spend on such luxuries. I discovered a store I'm really excited about! And I saw some of my favorite people. Little things can make a big difference!

Today... I had an excellent day.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

30 little things

For the past 7 months I have been interning at Lifeline which is a residential treatment center for troubled teens. And one of my goals there is to run my very own group therapy. I actually don't know if this goal is actually going to happen. Every time I think about going up and "teaching" these kids anything I get incredibly nervous.

I've decided to do my group (that may or may not happen) on the little things you can do to change your life. I decided to issue the kids a challenge that for 5 days they have to pick 5 little things they can do from a list I provided them. They only have to do one thing each day. And at the end of the day they need to write down what they did and about their experience. It's mostly a challenge to get them to change their thinking perceptions, etc...

I have decided that I will issue this challenge to myself BUT to make it a little more interesting... I'm going to do 30 things for 30 days. And I will blog about it. Starting tomorrow of course :)

So there you have it. Please feel free to make sure I stick to this...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

:(

I am depressed.
I HAVE HEARD THE MOST AWFUL NEWS OF THE DAY.
it's seriously awful.
If you know me even kind of well...
you know that I refer to myself as
BOOZER'S NUMBER 1 FAN
and he is leaving me!


For stinky chicago.


I realize that at the end of the day basketball is his job.
And if I was offered 80 million for 5 years
I'd leave too.

I will miss him.

especially this face....

How can you not get excited about basketball when he does this???

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dear Second Trimester,

Thanks for finally showing up! Your sister 1st trimester was incredibly unkind. The first few weeks of my pregnancy she left me in debilitating pain (after several doctors visits nothing wrong could be found) and nausea all day and all night. Leaving me to carry around a gallon ziploc bag everywhere I went "just in case." The last couple of weeks weren't so bad but she decided to go out with a bang. I puked my guts out Saturday morning and was tired and weak the rest of the day. I hear you're the much kinder of the 3 trimesters. I hope this holds true. I look forward to working with you over the next 3 months. But please don't stay long.

Love,
Leslie

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

hearts

Today I am in a fantastic mood.
Today, I heard my baby's heart beat for the first time.
It was awesome.

My own heart just about failed
when I heard those strong and quick swoosh swoosh-es.
I quite literally could have cried.
I have never ever felt this way before.
My heart is full.



Saturday, June 26, 2010

alone time

I sure like my husband.

Nothing particularly awesome happened this weekend. Anyone else would probably say... and you enjoyed this why?

Sometimes I love uneventful weekends.

Friday night I worked until 9pm. Afterward Troy and I decided to go to Cold Stone. We got our delicious ice cream and sat on a nice grassy spot in the summer air. We talked about random things. Mostly about the new Eminem album that just came out. We dissected our favorite song "love the way you lie." Just things like why we thought he wrote it, What he meant by it, etc.. Then we went to blockbuster and rented "She's out of my league" and "Shutter island." We went home got in bed and snuggled while watching she's out of my league. It was alright. It ended up being more of a chick flick than I thought it would be... a raunchy chick flick... but chick flick-ish nonetheless. Then we fell asleep.

Saturday we both worked. I got off at 4. And then we went to dinner at Paradise Bakery. Then stopped at shopko to buy me a new (and cheap) bra. Pregnancy has done some amazing things to my boobs. Like make them even bigger than they already are. We came home and watched shutter island. And now I'm blogging.

I really like him. I just like being with him and spending time alone with him. I know this time will soon be gone so I'm trying to suck it all in. The next 6 months will not be taken for granted.

We are now going to watch season 4 of the office on dvd.

i love my life :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

other peoples thoughts

So I have been thinking a lot about this whole pregnancy thing. I've obviously known about it for awhile now. And I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't on my mind 24/7. I'm constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn't be eating/smelling/doing. Realizations keep popping to the surface of my brain...I need to find a pediatrician, what about vaccinations?, SIDS, cribs, toys, clothes, diapers, school, work, what if i suck at motherhood???, etc... the list goes on and on. In case you were wondering this baby was not planned. Which definitely increases my anxiety. I found this blog a little bit ago and I really appreciate her honesty.

The following is a post of hers I read the other day. Reading it somehow made me feel sane. Even though I am yet to have this child I'm pretty sure I'll have moments like these. And again I just really appreciated the raw honesty of it all.

enjoy.

As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.

MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.

Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe it’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.

At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.

I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.

It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”

So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”

It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.

I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.

Or alone in this feeling.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The moment you've all been waiting for...

I'm posting! YAY!
It's a little long but it'll be worth it if you keep reading. I promise.

Let me first just recap the last little bit of not very good updating... So we went on our anniversary trip at the beginning of May. Then we celebrated our actual anniversary on May 21st.

Jay Z couldn't have said it better... "a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime"
super glad I got married last year and not this year. it rained on our anniversary.
How pretty was this day??

And then over Memorial Weekend we moved back in with my mom. We live in her basement. It works for now but we're hoping to be out of here sooner, rather than later. I'll explain why we moved in with her in a few moments...

Then it was my birthday! I turned 23! yay! My mom and her boyfriend took me out to the Olive Garden for dinner and I completely stuffed myself. Troy didn't come along because he left for California on my birthday to go support our nephews baptism and see his sister. No worries though Troy made me cupcakes and bought me some Tom's shoes. I am in love. And I love wearing them to work. It makes standing for 6 hours not soo bad. I still think they're weird looking. But sooo comfy. Here they are...
Then...on the 5th all of "The Sixlets" from high school finally got together. Yes we called ourselves the the sixlets. Don't judge. We hadn't all been together since before Bekah left on her mission. That was sometime in 2008. A few of my favorite pictures from that weekend.
We were trying to re-create this picture from high school....
And then...the slide broke.


And finally...what I've been holding out on telling everyone for what seems like the past eternity.

Remember these guys from a previous blog like 6 months ago?

Well...apparently you jinx yourself when you get bored online and as a joke get on a website to see what your kids will look like.

because...

i'm pregnant.

Due January 11th.
More on that later.




Thursday, June 3, 2010

So sorry.

It's been awhile since my last post. And unfortunately this is going to be a sucky post. I'm just feeling way too super lazy right now. So this is more like a post to get you geared up for the posts to come! How many times do you think I can say post in one post? ha.

so get ready for my new posts. They will have pictures!

There I said post 7 times. make that 8.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Thoughts

Apparently God uses technology.

Today my prayer that I said this morning was answered in the form of a blog that I read this afternoon. Yes I said a blog. I found it slightly amusing myself.

As of lately I haven't been praying as often as I normally do. In fact, the past week (not including today) I've prayed maybe once. Considering the events transpiring in my life as of the current moment you'd think a person like me (someone who has 100% faith in prayer) might be at least doubling in prayer. In complete honesty I've been too afraid to pray. I've been too afraid for an answer. I've been too afraid for a yes. I've been too afraid for a no. I've been trying the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing and it hasn't really been working.

Somehow today I mustered up the courage to say a prayer. I tried everything I could to avoid it... My favorite song was playing on the radio, I had to fix my bagel for breakfast, I need to mentally prepare myself for my first day of Abnormal Child Psych. I couldn't shake this nagging feeling of needing to pray. So I did. I layed all of my fears on the table and told Him every one of them. And then I went to class.

Being the first day of class, my actual class was only about 20 minutes long. I had about 2 hours to kill before my meeting with my field experience professor. I went to the computer lab to get a head start on my online class. That got boring fast and long story short... I got on Facebook. One of the status updates in my facebook feed was from a girl I know but who I honestly haven't talked to since high school. I remembered I'd stumbled across her blog once through clicking through other blogs. The thought "I should read her blog" ran across my brain. I wrestled through thoughts of "why?" and had an actual dialogue in my head of how I didn't even remember how I found her blog in the first place. Eventually, I clicked on her FB page and there was the link to her blog.

Her very first post was about an exact experience she had been through that I am currently going through. I was actually a little amazed at how similar our stories were. It basically went on to explain how she overcame this struggle. It wasn't really a step by step guide or anything. it was more of a "have faith and do." I almost burst into tears right there in the computer lab. Thankfully, I didn't. I think people who cry in public are awkward. Even though I will admit I have before...

I've always heard that God speaks to you in ways and by means that you can understand. I might possibly spend too much time on the internet if this is how He feels He needs to communicate with me... Kind of embarressing. However, all I really wanted to emphasize in this post is that God listens and he knows.

I don't really want to be preachy. I don't like being preached to...believe me I know I'm imperfect. I don't care what religion you are, if you're even religious, or spiritual, if you're not where others expect you to be "spiritually" or whatever. It is my belief that God listens to you no matter what. No matter your religion, no matter what stage your faith and he does all that he can to help you as long as you act on your faith no matter how small it might be. I just think it's important to have faith and then to share those faith building experiences with others. You never know when someone needs it.

So those are my thoughts.

And I've decided to issue a challenge... Post a faith building experience of your own (on your own blog). Post some faith. ha. I would be tickled pink to read even just one!

I can't believe I just wrote "tickled pink" I am disgusting.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ceramics

Today was my first ever summer semester class. It was also my first class that I've ever taken at the Bountiful extension. What is that class you might ask? Ceramics.

And not just any ceramics class. It's a wheel pottery class.

You see I decided to take this class because I needed to
A) fill some elective credit
B) it's only 6 weeks and its 4 credits
C) I sucked at the wheel in high school and I am determined to conquer it.

Perhaps, the wheel is not my forte. I sucked royally. I'm sitting there in between Dick and Eeli (yes those are their real names I honestly thought they were kidding me when I asked them). And in case you were wondering Eeli is an atheist with a tattoo on his forearm that reads "Jesus is" and another tattoo on his calf of the virgin mary. Anyway, back to my story. I'm sitting in between Dick and Eeli who are practically the Leonardo Da Vinci's of pottery and all I can do is center the dang thing into a patty. I was also supposed to make a cone once it was a patty to help center it some more or something...I could not do a cone.

So I did what any other studious student would do. I asked for help. So my instructor John comes over to help me. He tells me that I am "violating the clay." Personally, I didn't know that was possible. He then helps me by putting his hands over my hands and of course I can do it perfectly. Which just fyi the whole hands over hands thing was not all Ghost like and creepy. Just guiding me....

So then I keep trying it by myself and it's just not working so he says "here do this" and does this thing with his hand. I do the thing that is too hard describe without showing...And he says "Oh, well I don't know what to say. I've never seen anyones fingers not be able to do that."

You see my pinkies are crooked and abnormally short so my pinky doesn't line up correctly. So I am apparently pottery retarded. After I have a little more help I make a half way decent looking bowl which of course breaks. And then I give up and decide it's time to get ready to leave anyway. So I bring my violated clay over to the wedging table to be wedged and I notice that I am the only one with clay that is dripping wet. So I'm trying to wedge my clay dry and it is not working. So the girl next to me says "you put that powder stuff in it to help dry it" so I think, "oh right yes!" And begin putting handfuls of said powder into my dripping clay. Turns out that the powder...is not for drying purposes. John (my instructor) comes over to help me and after I tell him that i've put in lots of that "stuff" to "help dry" he tells me..."that is not a drying agent." He begins to explain to me that the powder is some sort of special stuff to help make the clay sticky but if you put too much in the clay it becomes rubbery and basically ruins your clay.

After assessing my clay he says "you have really abused your clay" but we won't be able to find out just how "abused" my clay is until Wednesday's class.

Luckily for me I think my instructor felt bad for me and told me that he'll give me more clay instead of making me pay for new clay if my clay has been overly abused.

Moral of the story: I am a clay violater and abuser. Don't let me near your clay.