I've been really discouraged lately. Not about anything in particular that I want to talk about. I was sitting on my front porch last night watching all of the cars drive past on my busy street. That's what I do when I want a little me time/time to think. Watching cars drive by has some sort of soothing effect for me. That's when I was reminded of something.
Two years ago this month I was searching for a new part time job. I was looking for something in the psychology field. If you only have a Bachelor's in psychology most employers want at least a year of related experience. I was graduating in a little over a year so if I wanted to be able to apply for the good jobs when I graduated I needed to start now. I remember I prayed and prayed to help me find the job that would prepare me for what I wanted to do in the future.
It didn't take me long to find the perfect job. The job was working with a family who's little boy has autism and doing ABA therapy with him in his home. It was in my field, a mile from my house, perfect hours for my school schedule, I could still keep my other job and to top it all off it paid really well. I emailed the mom to see if the position was still open and before I even had time to put my resume together she emailed back about an interview. I seriously felt like the stars had aligned. I had a really good feeling about this job. You know that feeling...where you know you're supposed to be doing something? I was so excited! I met with the mom for an interview and I got the job.
I was so grateful. I knew the stars really had aligned and Heavenly Father helped me find this amazing opportunity. I was floating on a cloud. Then I started actually working and I immediately came crashing back down to earth. This job was h-a-r-d. Learning the therapy programs was more complicated than I had imagined. Keeping all of the rules straight of when you should do this, when you should do that and when there are exceptions to where you should be doing something different. To make matters worse, we had weekly staff meetings where I had to go in front of the mom, the lead therapist and the other aides and do what we called "sittings". I kind of really sucked in the beginning. I get really nervous in front of people and then having to sit there and have everyone tell me what I did wrong made me want to throw up.
Also, I don't know how many of you have ever been around someone who has autism but it's not an easy disorder. Sometimes he was the sweetest little boy who I wanted to smother with hugs and kisses. Other times I was almost in tears.
It was a surprise every day. Maybe today he'd be happy and laughing and we'd have a lot of fun. Or maybe today would be rough and he'd pull out another clump of my hair, slap me, throw stuff at me, kick, bite, pinch, claw, scream at me. Some days I would literally come home covered with bruises and scratches.
There were moments I wanted to quit. I had days I would come home, cry and dread having to go back the next day. I questioned why I had been lead to this job. Obviously, this job is too hard. Maybe I had made a mistake, maybe Heavenly Father had made a mistake.
And now two years later... jobless. I have figured out why I needed that job. It wasn't to prepare me for my future career. I needed that job to prepare me to be a mother. When I started that job in July of 2009, I had no plans of getting pregnant 9 months later. This job taught me mothering skills. Patience, kindness and perseverance. It taught me to love someone despite the moments when they've been a complete terror. It taught me to let loose and that it's OK to be silly. Kids love silly. It also taught me a million other things I probably have yet to realize or discover.
Anyway, my reminder last night was that when there are discouraging moments in life, moments when I question what I am doing or I question if Heavenly Father knows what he is doing...He does. I might think I know what I need preparing for, but I don't know all of the answers. I just need to have faith to get through this moment because I know he has something planned for me.