hearts

Today I am in a fantastic mood.
Today, I heard my baby's heart beat for the first time.
It was awesome.

My own heart just about failed
when I heard those strong and quick swoosh swoosh-es.
I quite literally could have cried.
I have never ever felt this way before.
My heart is full.

alone time

I sure like my husband.

Nothing particularly awesome happened this weekend. Anyone else would probably say... and you enjoyed this why?

Sometimes I love uneventful weekends.

Friday night I worked until 9pm. Afterward Troy and I decided to go to Cold Stone. We got our delicious ice cream and sat on a nice grassy spot in the summer air. We talked about random things. Mostly about the new Eminem album that just came out. We dissected our favorite song "love the way you lie." Just things like why we thought he wrote it, What he meant by it, etc.. Then we went to blockbuster and rented "She's out of my league" and "Shutter island." We went home got in bed and snuggled while watching she's out of my league. It was alright. It ended up being more of a chick flick than I thought it would be... a raunchy chick flick... but chick flick-ish nonetheless. Then we fell asleep.

Saturday we both worked. I got off at 4. And then we went to dinner at Paradise Bakery. Then stopped at shopko to buy me a new (and cheap) bra. Pregnancy has done some amazing things to my boobs. Like make them even bigger than they already are. We came home and watched shutter island. And now I'm blogging.

I really like him. I just like being with him and spending time alone with him. I know this time will soon be gone so I'm trying to suck it all in. The next 6 months will not be taken for granted.

We are now going to watch season 4 of the office on dvd.

i love my life :)

other peoples thoughts

So I have been thinking a lot about this whole pregnancy thing. I've obviously known about it for awhile now. And I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't on my mind 24/7. I'm constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn't be eating/smelling/doing. Realizations keep popping to the surface of my brain...I need to find a pediatrician, what about vaccinations?, SIDS, cribs, toys, clothes, diapers, school, work, what if i suck at motherhood???, etc... the list goes on and on. In case you were wondering this baby was not planned. Which definitely increases my anxiety. I found this blog a little bit ago and I really appreciate her honesty.

The following is a post of hers I read the other day. Reading it somehow made me feel sane. Even though I am yet to have this child I'm pretty sure I'll have moments like these. And again I just really appreciated the raw honesty of it all.

enjoy.

As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.

MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.

Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe it’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.

At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.

I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.

It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”

So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”

It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.

I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.

Or alone in this feeling.

The moment you've all been waiting for...

I'm posting! YAY!
It's a little long but it'll be worth it if you keep reading. I promise.

Let me first just recap the last little bit of not very good updating... So we went on our anniversary trip at the beginning of May. Then we celebrated our actual anniversary on May 21st.

Jay Z couldn't have said it better... "a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime"
super glad I got married last year and not this year. it rained on our anniversary.
How pretty was this day??

And then over Memorial Weekend we moved back in with my mom. We live in her basement. It works for now but we're hoping to be out of here sooner, rather than later. I'll explain why we moved in with her in a few moments...

Then it was my birthday! I turned 23! yay! My mom and her boyfriend took me out to the Olive Garden for dinner and I completely stuffed myself. Troy didn't come along because he left for California on my birthday to go support our nephews baptism and see his sister. No worries though Troy made me cupcakes and bought me some Tom's shoes. I am in love. And I love wearing them to work. It makes standing for 6 hours not soo bad. I still think they're weird looking. But sooo comfy. Here they are...
Then...on the 5th all of "The Sixlets" from high school finally got together. Yes we called ourselves the the sixlets. Don't judge. We hadn't all been together since before Bekah left on her mission. That was sometime in 2008. A few of my favorite pictures from that weekend.

We were trying to re-create this picture from high school....
And then...the slide broke.

And finally...what I've been holding out on telling everyone for what seems like the past eternity.

Remember these guys from a previous blog like 6 months ago?

Well...apparently you jinx yourself when you get bored online and as a joke get on a website to see what your kids will look like.

because...

i'm pregnant.

Due January 11th.
More on that later.

So sorry.

It's been awhile since my last post. And unfortunately this is going to be a sucky post. I'm just feeling way too super lazy right now. So this is more like a post to get you geared up for the posts to come! How many times do you think I can say post in one post? ha.

so get ready for my new posts. They will have pictures!

There I said post 7 times. make that 8.