other peoples thoughts

So I have been thinking a lot about this whole pregnancy thing. I've obviously known about it for awhile now. And I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't on my mind 24/7. I'm constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn't be eating/smelling/doing. Realizations keep popping to the surface of my brain...I need to find a pediatrician, what about vaccinations?, SIDS, cribs, toys, clothes, diapers, school, work, what if i suck at motherhood???, etc... the list goes on and on. In case you were wondering this baby was not planned. Which definitely increases my anxiety. I found this blog a little bit ago and I really appreciate her honesty.

The following is a post of hers I read the other day. Reading it somehow made me feel sane. Even though I am yet to have this child I'm pretty sure I'll have moments like these. And again I just really appreciated the raw honesty of it all.

enjoy.

As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.

MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.

Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe it’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.

At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.

I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.

It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”

So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”

It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.

I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.

Or alone in this feeling.

The moment you've all been waiting for...

I'm posting! YAY!
It's a little long but it'll be worth it if you keep reading. I promise.

Let me first just recap the last little bit of not very good updating... So we went on our anniversary trip at the beginning of May. Then we celebrated our actual anniversary on May 21st.

Jay Z couldn't have said it better... "a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime"
super glad I got married last year and not this year. it rained on our anniversary.
How pretty was this day??

And then over Memorial Weekend we moved back in with my mom. We live in her basement. It works for now but we're hoping to be out of here sooner, rather than later. I'll explain why we moved in with her in a few moments...

Then it was my birthday! I turned 23! yay! My mom and her boyfriend took me out to the Olive Garden for dinner and I completely stuffed myself. Troy didn't come along because he left for California on my birthday to go support our nephews baptism and see his sister. No worries though Troy made me cupcakes and bought me some Tom's shoes. I am in love. And I love wearing them to work. It makes standing for 6 hours not soo bad. I still think they're weird looking. But sooo comfy. Here they are...
Then...on the 5th all of "The Sixlets" from high school finally got together. Yes we called ourselves the the sixlets. Don't judge. We hadn't all been together since before Bekah left on her mission. That was sometime in 2008. A few of my favorite pictures from that weekend.

We were trying to re-create this picture from high school....
And then...the slide broke.

And finally...what I've been holding out on telling everyone for what seems like the past eternity.

Remember these guys from a previous blog like 6 months ago?

Well...apparently you jinx yourself when you get bored online and as a joke get on a website to see what your kids will look like.

because...

i'm pregnant.

Due January 11th.
More on that later.

So sorry.

It's been awhile since my last post. And unfortunately this is going to be a sucky post. I'm just feeling way too super lazy right now. So this is more like a post to get you geared up for the posts to come! How many times do you think I can say post in one post? ha.

so get ready for my new posts. They will have pictures!

There I said post 7 times. make that 8.

Thoughts

Apparently God uses technology.

Today my prayer that I said this morning was answered in the form of a blog that I read this afternoon. Yes I said a blog. I found it slightly amusing myself.

As of lately I haven't been praying as often as I normally do. In fact, the past week (not including today) I've prayed maybe once. Considering the events transpiring in my life as of the current moment you'd think a person like me (someone who has 100% faith in prayer) might be at least doubling in prayer. In complete honesty I've been too afraid to pray. I've been too afraid for an answer. I've been too afraid for a yes. I've been too afraid for a no. I've been trying the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing and it hasn't really been working.

Somehow today I mustered up the courage to say a prayer. I tried everything I could to avoid it... My favorite song was playing on the radio, I had to fix my bagel for breakfast, I need to mentally prepare myself for my first day of Abnormal Child Psych. I couldn't shake this nagging feeling of needing to pray. So I did. I layed all of my fears on the table and told Him every one of them. And then I went to class.

Being the first day of class, my actual class was only about 20 minutes long. I had about 2 hours to kill before my meeting with my field experience professor. I went to the computer lab to get a head start on my online class. That got boring fast and long story short... I got on Facebook. One of the status updates in my facebook feed was from a girl I know but who I honestly haven't talked to since high school. I remembered I'd stumbled across her blog once through clicking through other blogs. The thought "I should read her blog" ran across my brain. I wrestled through thoughts of "why?" and had an actual dialogue in my head of how I didn't even remember how I found her blog in the first place. Eventually, I clicked on her FB page and there was the link to her blog.

Her very first post was about an exact experience she had been through that I am currently going through. I was actually a little amazed at how similar our stories were. It basically went on to explain how she overcame this struggle. It wasn't really a step by step guide or anything. it was more of a "have faith and do." I almost burst into tears right there in the computer lab. Thankfully, I didn't. I think people who cry in public are awkward. Even though I will admit I have before...

I've always heard that God speaks to you in ways and by means that you can understand. I might possibly spend too much time on the internet if this is how He feels He needs to communicate with me... Kind of embarressing. However, all I really wanted to emphasize in this post is that God listens and he knows.

I don't really want to be preachy. I don't like being preached to...believe me I know I'm imperfect. I don't care what religion you are, if you're even religious, or spiritual, if you're not where others expect you to be "spiritually" or whatever. It is my belief that God listens to you no matter what. No matter your religion, no matter what stage your faith and he does all that he can to help you as long as you act on your faith no matter how small it might be. I just think it's important to have faith and then to share those faith building experiences with others. You never know when someone needs it.

So those are my thoughts.

And I've decided to issue a challenge... Post a faith building experience of your own (on your own blog). Post some faith. ha. I would be tickled pink to read even just one!

I can't believe I just wrote "tickled pink" I am disgusting.

Ceramics

Today was my first ever summer semester class. It was also my first class that I've ever taken at the Bountiful extension. What is that class you might ask? Ceramics.

And not just any ceramics class. It's a wheel pottery class.

You see I decided to take this class because I needed to
A) fill some elective credit
B) it's only 6 weeks and its 4 credits
C) I sucked at the wheel in high school and I am determined to conquer it.

Perhaps, the wheel is not my forte. I sucked royally. I'm sitting there in between Dick and Eeli (yes those are their real names I honestly thought they were kidding me when I asked them). And in case you were wondering Eeli is an atheist with a tattoo on his forearm that reads "Jesus is" and another tattoo on his calf of the virgin mary. Anyway, back to my story. I'm sitting in between Dick and Eeli who are practically the Leonardo Da Vinci's of pottery and all I can do is center the dang thing into a patty. I was also supposed to make a cone once it was a patty to help center it some more or something...I could not do a cone.

So I did what any other studious student would do. I asked for help. So my instructor John comes over to help me. He tells me that I am "violating the clay." Personally, I didn't know that was possible. He then helps me by putting his hands over my hands and of course I can do it perfectly. Which just fyi the whole hands over hands thing was not all Ghost like and creepy. Just guiding me....

So then I keep trying it by myself and it's just not working so he says "here do this" and does this thing with his hand. I do the thing that is too hard describe without showing...And he says "Oh, well I don't know what to say. I've never seen anyones fingers not be able to do that."

You see my pinkies are crooked and abnormally short so my pinky doesn't line up correctly. So I am apparently pottery retarded. After I have a little more help I make a half way decent looking bowl which of course breaks. And then I give up and decide it's time to get ready to leave anyway. So I bring my violated clay over to the wedging table to be wedged and I notice that I am the only one with clay that is dripping wet. So I'm trying to wedge my clay dry and it is not working. So the girl next to me says "you put that powder stuff in it to help dry it" so I think, "oh right yes!" And begin putting handfuls of said powder into my dripping clay. Turns out that the powder...is not for drying purposes. John (my instructor) comes over to help me and after I tell him that i've put in lots of that "stuff" to "help dry" he tells me..."that is not a drying agent." He begins to explain to me that the powder is some sort of special stuff to help make the clay sticky but if you put too much in the clay it becomes rubbery and basically ruins your clay.

After assessing my clay he says "you have really abused your clay" but we won't be able to find out just how "abused" my clay is until Wednesday's class.

Luckily for me I think my instructor felt bad for me and told me that he'll give me more clay instead of making me pay for new clay if my clay has been overly abused.

Moral of the story: I am a clay violater and abuser. Don't let me near your clay.

Anniversary "staycation"

So mine and Troy's anniversary technically isn't until the 21st of May. However, school starts on Monday for me so we decided to fit our trip into my 10 day "summer vacation." Let me just give you a brief synopsis of our 4.5 day trip.

Friday was my "almost graduation" since I graduate in august I still got to walk this spring.




So I sort of graduated. Then we went and checked into our hotel at one of the Marriott's downtown. Not the nicest Marriott ever, but it was free so there were no complaints from me! It was within walking distance from everything we wanted to do so Troy and I walked EVERYWHERE.

Everything in the marriott was sea shell themed. I thought it was creative.

On Saturday, Troy and I walked not ran The Race for The Cure with my mom, Blair (my moms man friend), Colleen, Barb and Vince (my moms friends). Barb is one of my moms best friends and is a survivor of breast cancer. This was my 3rd race and I try to participate every year in honor of Barb, my aunt Cathy, our family friend Karma and in memory of my friend Jessica's mom Linda.

On our way to the race. That's Colleen, mom, Blair and Troy in the Corner.

The Starting line!

The sea of people

not exactly our best picture..

Saturday night Troy and I decided to treat ourselves to very expensive steak at Spencer's for Steak and Chops. Where the food was delicious. The service was excellent. They didn't rush us at all. It took us 2 1/2 hours to eat our dinner (and watch a disappointing Jazz game). Where I had this dessert that changed my life.

Ice cream, chocolate tort with whipped cream and berries and creme brule
(or however you spell it)
I died and went to heaven. Thanks again, kirsti!

Sunday we went up to Park City and checked into the Waldorf Astoria for 2 nights. Boy did we ever feel out of place! Everywhere we went it was "Mr and Mrs Jackson, How are you today? Can I get you anything? Here have a bottle of water!" It was valet parking only. Complete with bell hop, and nightly turn down service. The second night we turned down our turn down service. It's awkward to have someone close your blinds and pull the covers down on your bed for you. We did however accept the chocolate that they put on our pillow at night :)

The mini bar that came with a mini fridge and stuff in the cupboards

Our complimentary bottle of sparkling grape juice with card that said "Congratulations!"

You can see Troy in the mirror rockin' his robe that came with the room!

Yes, that is a tv in the bathroom. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited troy was about this.

me chillin in bed with my complimentary slippers.

Our trip was super fun! It would have been more fun if I wasn't sick pretty much 80% of the time. We relaxed in our room a lot. We also went to the outlet stores and shopped til our hearts were full and our wallet was empty. It was nice to have Troy all to myself all day everyday for 5 full days! I can't wait until our next anniversary trip!

Oh and one fun thing I forgot to mention that Troy and I did since we stayed so close to home. We wanted to seem like we were more on vacation so we decided to try and eat at at least one restaurant either one or neither of us has ever been to for one meal every day. We unfortunately never got to eat at the The Green Pig like I was hoping :(

We ate at...
The Tin Angel Cafe
Spencer's for Steak and Chops
Judge Cafe
Red Rock

My favorite was by far Judge Cafe which is actually spelled "jvdge" It's on broadway in downtown slc. They had the yummiest eggs and hash browns! I really recommend it!

I like-y

This video was beautiful. Reminds me to be a little more grateful. Plus if you haven't read her blog... you should!