The following is a post of hers I read the other day. Reading it somehow made me feel sane. Even though I am yet to have this child I'm pretty sure I'll have moments like these. And again I just really appreciated the raw honesty of it all.
enjoy.
As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.
MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.
Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe it’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.
At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.
I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.
I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.
It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”
So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”
It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.
I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.
Or alone in this feeling.
aaaaahhhhh leslie, i've been camping for a long time and had no internet. I just got caught up on your blog! OMG! I can't believe you're pregnant! I'm sure that you are going to be an AWESOME mamma! I've heard that when that little bundle of "joy" comes you will just instinctively know what to do. I'm so so so happy for you! If you ever need someone to watch your baby for even just an hour to give yourself some time then please call me! I would be thrilled to help! Also, I would love to come to a shower and congratulate you, so let me know when all that starts! congrats again, and sorry about the novel of a comment!
ReplyDeleteOh Leslie--everyone feels inadaquate at this job. The hold is more newsy then you could ever imagine. They cling to you like sticky rice which is frustrating but incredible too! Those who say it's not hard lie. It is true. They even did a stint about this on desperate housewives--which I don't watch normally but something during josh's nap after I've done everyhing it is usually the only thing on I haven't seen.
ReplyDeleteJust measure yourself against yourself. That is the key to motherhood. Of all the friends I have who have kids all admit itbia much harder then they previously thought and I think that is bc of how we were raised. We were raised to be independent, educated, self-indulgent, and perfect women. We are suppose to smart in the world and smart at home. Nothing less will due but just remeber you are not the only one that struggles.
But people never share those intimate times where you feel like the whole world stops bc of the look u got from your child. Remeber those moments and not the marker stained clothes and numerous poopy diapers. It's just like life--bittersweet.
I've discovered motherhood is a love/hate relationship. Its odd that you can love every minute of it and at the same time wish you didn't have to do it anymore. I was never one of those girls who responded with "a stay at home mom!" when asked what they wanted to be when they grow up. I'll admit, being a "mom" isn't my ideal job. I loved working, I never regret having Kate but I do miss the days it was just Keith and I and all we had to do was go to work, come home and do whatever WE wanted. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I did work and someone else took care of the kid(s) during the day but then I think I'd probably just be more exhausted in trying to juggle work, home and family. My advice, rely on family and friends to help. If someone offers to babysit take them up on it. You need the breaks. Its okay to hate it sometimes, I do. You just have to hope and pray you love it more than you hate it.
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