30 things: Day 1

Today.... I will have an excellent day.


That was my goal today, have an excellent day. I know that that sounds pretty easy, it's not like I really had to do anything other than to avoid having a bad day.... But it wasn't just a good day, or a not so bad day it had to be an excellent day. Which if you think about it can be pretty hard!

I admit that I can let just one thing ruin my day. So today when I woke up I was determined to have an excellent day no matter what (I did let myself have one exception... If Troy died... that could be a bad day).

I woke up and went to work with Max. Max was not having a great day... we had a nice 40 minute tantrum of him screaming, crying and throwing things at me. Sometimes his tantrums ruin my work day. So I kept telling myself "Today we will have an excellent therapy session!" And after I got him calmed down (with the help of his mom). We did go on to have an excellent therapy session! He seriously impressed me with one of his programs today. He also made me laugh pretty hard when he re-enacted the movie ice age for me. And we had a lot of fun playing.
Session with Max...excellent.

When I got home I wondered to myself "What would make my day excellent?" Immediately, I knew all the chips and salsa my pregnant body could handle would make my day excellent. Also, a nice relaxing unwind time in front of the tv. While I was in the middle of watching Toddlers and Tiaras I realized something... While tv is nice, it's not excellent. So I gave my feet some much needed TLC and gave myself a pedicure. After that I went to this store Kid to Kid that I have been wanting to check out. After that I decided that since I actually really enjoy cooking that I would make dinner. I made pasta and homemade alfredo sauce. My mom and I had a great chat. And then tonight I got to hang out with one of my best friends Mara. We went to the gym and talked about pretty much everything. Oh and I got to see my cute husband too :)

Today really was an excellent day. It really opened my eyes to how much we really have control over things. I think too often we let little things get to us, or we just let ourselves get bogged down by the monotony of life and only let ourselves have "ok days." So maybe if you're having a "bad day" or even just an "ok day" make your day better! Treat yourself to something! You don't have to do anything big. I gave myself a pedicure because pregnant college students don't always have money to spend on such luxuries. I discovered a store I'm really excited about! And I saw some of my favorite people. Little things can make a big difference!

Today... I had an excellent day.

30 little things

For the past 7 months I have been interning at Lifeline which is a residential treatment center for troubled teens. And one of my goals there is to run my very own group therapy. I actually don't know if this goal is actually going to happen. Every time I think about going up and "teaching" these kids anything I get incredibly nervous.

I've decided to do my group (that may or may not happen) on the little things you can do to change your life. I decided to issue the kids a challenge that for 5 days they have to pick 5 little things they can do from a list I provided them. They only have to do one thing each day. And at the end of the day they need to write down what they did and about their experience. It's mostly a challenge to get them to change their thinking perceptions, etc...

I have decided that I will issue this challenge to myself BUT to make it a little more interesting... I'm going to do 30 things for 30 days. And I will blog about it. Starting tomorrow of course :)

So there you have it. Please feel free to make sure I stick to this...

:(

I am depressed.
I HAVE HEARD THE MOST AWFUL NEWS OF THE DAY.
it's seriously awful.
If you know me even kind of well...
you know that I refer to myself as
BOOZER'S NUMBER 1 FAN
and he is leaving me!


For stinky chicago.


I realize that at the end of the day basketball is his job.
And if I was offered 80 million for 5 years
I'd leave too.

I will miss him.

especially this face....

How can you not get excited about basketball when he does this???

Dear Second Trimester,

Thanks for finally showing up! Your sister 1st trimester was incredibly unkind. The first few weeks of my pregnancy she left me in debilitating pain (after several doctors visits nothing wrong could be found) and nausea all day and all night. Leaving me to carry around a gallon ziploc bag everywhere I went "just in case." The last couple of weeks weren't so bad but she decided to go out with a bang. I puked my guts out Saturday morning and was tired and weak the rest of the day. I hear you're the much kinder of the 3 trimesters. I hope this holds true. I look forward to working with you over the next 3 months. But please don't stay long.

Love,
Leslie

hearts

Today I am in a fantastic mood.
Today, I heard my baby's heart beat for the first time.
It was awesome.

My own heart just about failed
when I heard those strong and quick swoosh swoosh-es.
I quite literally could have cried.
I have never ever felt this way before.
My heart is full.

alone time

I sure like my husband.

Nothing particularly awesome happened this weekend. Anyone else would probably say... and you enjoyed this why?

Sometimes I love uneventful weekends.

Friday night I worked until 9pm. Afterward Troy and I decided to go to Cold Stone. We got our delicious ice cream and sat on a nice grassy spot in the summer air. We talked about random things. Mostly about the new Eminem album that just came out. We dissected our favorite song "love the way you lie." Just things like why we thought he wrote it, What he meant by it, etc.. Then we went to blockbuster and rented "She's out of my league" and "Shutter island." We went home got in bed and snuggled while watching she's out of my league. It was alright. It ended up being more of a chick flick than I thought it would be... a raunchy chick flick... but chick flick-ish nonetheless. Then we fell asleep.

Saturday we both worked. I got off at 4. And then we went to dinner at Paradise Bakery. Then stopped at shopko to buy me a new (and cheap) bra. Pregnancy has done some amazing things to my boobs. Like make them even bigger than they already are. We came home and watched shutter island. And now I'm blogging.

I really like him. I just like being with him and spending time alone with him. I know this time will soon be gone so I'm trying to suck it all in. The next 6 months will not be taken for granted.

We are now going to watch season 4 of the office on dvd.

i love my life :)

other peoples thoughts

So I have been thinking a lot about this whole pregnancy thing. I've obviously known about it for awhile now. And I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't on my mind 24/7. I'm constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn't be eating/smelling/doing. Realizations keep popping to the surface of my brain...I need to find a pediatrician, what about vaccinations?, SIDS, cribs, toys, clothes, diapers, school, work, what if i suck at motherhood???, etc... the list goes on and on. In case you were wondering this baby was not planned. Which definitely increases my anxiety. I found this blog a little bit ago and I really appreciate her honesty.

The following is a post of hers I read the other day. Reading it somehow made me feel sane. Even though I am yet to have this child I'm pretty sure I'll have moments like these. And again I just really appreciated the raw honesty of it all.

enjoy.

As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.

MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.

Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe it’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.

At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.

I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.

It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”

So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”

It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.

I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.

Or alone in this feeling.