Thinking out loud...

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I graduate in August (hopefully) and I'm super stoked about it. I'm also terrified because by the time I graduate I'll have been in school for 18 years and thats not counting pre-school! What do I do with myself that is not school? I know, I know... get a full time job but that's scary too! I've had a full time job before but this will be like a legit full time job and it freaks me out! Then I'll have to be the "bread winner" while I wait for Troy to finish school. That scares me the most. You see...me and full time jobs have never gotten along too well. I've had 2 full time jobs ever and I worked at each of them for about 4-5 months each before I felt I was going to rip my hair out and run out the door screaming. Granted one of them was a call center...that speaks for itself. I was one of their top agents however! Yes I will toot my own horn! I got perfect scores on all of my call tests. I got free lunch a lot :) But I quickly grew tired of "CreditRepair.com this is Leslie" and people yelling at me because they got themselves in to debt. So I quit.

Now in 6 months I have to buckle down and find me a full time job that I actually like. Forever, I've been thinking that I would work at a treatment center. Thats been my plan since I was 12. Now I'm 22 soon to be 23 and I'm questioning my "plan." As some of you know I've been interning at Lifeline, a residential treatment center for troubled teens. I've liked it a lot. However, I'm discovering how difficult a job like that might be. I am priviliged to sit in on group therapy and listen to the girls and boys talk about their struggles, addictions and abuses. I've just noticed a lot lately that I'm bringing some of "work" home with me. I don't do it intentionally but I can't help it. Some of the stories that these kids have are some of the hardest/horrifying/saddest stories I've ever heard. And I come home and just think about some of the stuff and I get completely disgusted about humanity. A lot of these kids have pasts I only thought existed in Lifetime movies. Some of the things that they've had to bear literally makes me sick to my stomach. I've just been wondering if I can really handle a job of this difficulty.

ALTHOUGH, I would just like to make mention of one thing. Today was the first time I got to talk to one of the kids about their problems. Typically all I do is observe but today Ariel let me give feedback during her one-on-one with one of the girls. I was sooooooo nervous I was literally shaking but I was trying to act professional. And I about wanted to FLY when the girl said "you're right." I wasn't even sure what I was going to say and words just kind of came out of my mouth. I literally felt like I made a difference today. And it's an awesome feeling. I'm hoping I get the opportunity to talk more to the kids and banish fears of everything a job like this entails. I'm just not sure I can hack it.

But today was awesome. This feeling is why I've always wanted to go in to a helping field.